What do you need to teach kids to be Resilience ? (and build your own as well)

By Jennifer Johnson – Co-Founder of Captains and Poets

Resilience is a topic we hear a lot about these days, and we all have a general understanding of what it is – but how do we teach it to young people? We intuitively know how significant resilience is when it comes to overall well-being and success in life. But the skills that make up resilience aren’t always obvious. The good news is that resilience can be learned and can be influenced by both internal and external factors that, as parents, cargivers and educators, we do have control over.

Research tells us that there is some genetic predisposition to resiliency AND that everyone experiences and internalizes situations and challenges differently – so our repertoire and experience of resilience is going to be slightly different for everyone. Each of us has a somewhat unique formula inside of us we use to be resilient and our job as caring adults is to help unlock that for each of child in our care.

Captains & Poets teachs young people that they have everything they need inside of them to thrive. The premise of the program is that there is a unique Captain and Poet in each of us that, in partnership, enable us to be our best selves. TheCaptain is the part of us that goes out into the world, navigates challenges, sets goals, makes decisions and takes charge. Your Captain may be bold or driven or adventurous. ThePoet is everything that stirs deep inside of us – our emotions, imagination, values, aspirations, dreams and more. Your Poet may be empathetic or creative or intuitive.

When we hit bumps in the road, the Poet is the one that feels it and fuels our path forward. The Captain is there to help us take the action we need to solve a problem or move through a situation. Teaching kids that we have access to these key parts of ourselves helps children feel secure in who they are and motivates them to take positive steps forward. All of these things are key to resiliency.

Reflect  back on your own life and see when your Captain and Poet have shown up fully, when they have been more hidden, and the impact this has had on your choices, potential, happiness – and your resilience. Consider one area of your life you are thriving in and one you are not. How are your Captain and Poet showing up differently? Which aspects are making you more or less resilient?

Supportive relationships are critical to navigating what is in front of us in healthy ways. They create psychologically and emotionally safe spaces that open up opportunities for skill building, making healthy decisions and getting the help we all need sometimes.

Resilience is a mindset made up of a composite of characteristics, skills, and strategies. At its core, it involves actively engaging with the world around us in a way that is meaningful to us.  It is not about grit or perseverance in getting through something. It is about finding ways to bounce back in healthy and positive ways. With this shift in mindset, we can entertain the idea that every challenge is also a personal growth opportunity.

Resilience is based in a mindset that doesn’t let the daily tribulations of life interfere with our Captain’s sense of direction and our Poet’s well-being. Your Poet can help you label difficult emotions and reflect on what is needed. Your Captain can help you learn from mistakes, draw from experience, problem-solve, and set goals to move you forward.

Reflect on the fact that resilience is not just about getting through something. What are you learning about yourself and what is important to you? How is it helping you to be a better version of you? There are always going to be ups and downs in life, so resilience is really about coming back to centre time and again. Use the metaphor of a bicycle with your kids. Ask them what they do when they start to wobble to one side. Remind them that they have the ability to figure things out as they go and that when they fall down, they can get back on when they are ready.

Self-compassion is a key component of resilience. Acknowledging our human makeup – that we make mistakes and are impacted by things sometimes is critical to self-care. Ask your child what they would do for their friend if they were feeling this way? They might say some kind words, write them a note, draw them a picture or give them a hug. Explain to them that we need to care for ourselves the way we care for others. Provide positive feedback on how they take care of themselves by making themselves feel better with a hug, a favourite blanket or by taking steps to solve the problem at hand.

Acceptance that self-compassion is critical also to finding the strength to accept what is in front of us. Accepting the reality of what we are facing is a key component in resilience as it enables us to clearly evaluate what we are dealing with. Resilience is not about blind optimism but rather about accepting and grieving and processing what we are dealing with – all the while maintaining a positive mindset. It is important to note, however, that while measured optimism can be motivating, hope can be devastating as it makes us passive to what is in front of us. 

Envisioning where we want to be in the world is helpful , as well. Viktor Frankl, the author of  “Man’s Search for Meaning”, cites his own experience in concentration camps. His strategy for staying resilient was to envision himself at a future date lecturing on the impact of war. That is what kept him going beyond the Christmases when so many others relied on hope and didn’t make it. The call to be resilient encourages us to connect with what is most important to us – whether that is our family, making a difference, or our purpose in the world. We all have a vision for how we want the world to be. Ask your kids to draw a picture or write a story of where they would like to get to and then reflect together on how they can get there.

Gratitude is another good strategy for fueling resilience in kids. The more you are grateful for, the more you have to draw on in tough times. Model this for kids and when times get tough, ask them to think of something that they are thankful for. Remind them of how it makes them feel and help them to see that life is full of wonderful things and is bigger than the current moment they are experiencing.

Curiosity is a natural aptitude in kids that can fuel their resilience.  Ask your child questions (or have them generate a list of questions on their mind) or read a book that relates to their situation and help them inquire into it and perhaps reframe their situation. Brainstorm and explore different options and map out what they would look like. The more curious you are the more likely you are to find new ways of looking at and dealing with challenges.

Improvising is another innate trait in children. Encourage your children to be creative in how they reframe situations and adapt as they arise. How can they look at things differently? What other options are there to consider? Try brainstorming to make it fun. 

Courage fuels resilience. The more courageous you are the more able you are to take the necessary steps to move through difficult emotions and times. Remind your children that it is natural to have emotions like fear and trepidation. Commend them for their courage and remind them that it is the little things that often require the most courage. Saying what needs to be said. Taking a risk. Putting themselves out there. An apology. Forgiveness

Experience is one of the key deficits children have when it comes to developing resilience. Life experience teaches us not only how to cope but it shows us the value of resilience and what is to be mined from different life events – big and small. It also gives us perspective as it reduces the impact of singular events, helps us learn what works for us and that we can do hard things. This is where parents play a critical role in coaching kids to draw on their past to build their capabilities. What examples do they have of times when they have been resilient already? Whether it be falling down and scraping their knee or dealing with a significant event, we need to remind our kids that they have everything they need within them to move forward one step at a time and that the tides do eventually turn.

Fun Play-based Actitiies are important avenues for teaching resilence. One fun activity you can do with your children is to create a Resilience Shield or Crest. Have them include all of the things that help them be more resilient (e.g., people, places, things, objects, colours, memories, stories, music, etc.). What gives their Poet comfort? What reminds them of who they are? What makes them grateful ? What makes their Captain feel brave?

Check-in frequently with your kids. Kids often know what they need, and our job is to help them express it and create the life they want for themselves. In day-to-day life, try a simple check-in to give your children the language they need to monitor how they are doing and move forward when challenges arise:

1. How is your Poet today?
2. What do they need?
3. What is important to them?
4. What do they want to express or share?
5. How is your Captain today?
6. What do they need to do help you move forward?
7. What is one small step you can take?

Use words like resourceful, caring, brave and creative to acknowledge the micro behaviours that make up resilience and how they are drawing on their Captain and Poet.

Share appropriate situations with your kids and model for them your thinking process, your mindset, how you take care of yourself, the sense of purpose and meaning you find in things, and what motivates you. Have dinner table conversations about challenges you each faced that day and how your inner Captain and Poet came to the rescue (or could next time). This also sets us up as parents to nurture the intrinsic strengths in each individual child – and to all learn from each other.

Model Vulnerability. As adults, we all have work to do in integrating these strategies into our own lives.  Find appropriate opportunities to do your own work on resilience alongside your kids and demonstrate for them that our vulnerability can be our greatest strength. Take the opportunity to share appropriate situations and model for them your thought process, breakthroughs, mindset, how you take care of yourself, the sense of purpose and meaning you find in things, and what motivates you. Have dinner table conversations about challenges you each faced that day and how your inner Captain and Poet came to the rescue (or could next time).

Connect. Deepening our sense of connection to self and others strengthens our sense of belonging which is key to getting the support we need in challenging times. This also sets us up as parents to nurture the intrinsic strengths in each individual child – and to all learn from each other.

Resilience  is not grit or perseverance. Being resilient implies we are thriving on our journey and not just enduring what is in front of us. Rather than seeing the ongoing events of life as another challenge to face, we can begin to see them as opportunities to grow and evolve.

Check out this video to learn more about Captains and Poets and how to teach your child how to develop the skills needed to thrive in life.

With Gratitute to:

Jennifer Johnson B.A., B.Ed., M.A.

Co-Founder, Captains & Poets.